For over 30 years an overwhelming part of my client, Molly, desired the physicality of the external male. This desire was causing Molly great internal conflict as the thought of any strong tall handsome man was enough to ignite intense cravings and lustful tendencies. It interfered in her relationships with men. There was an accompanying sharp, almost cutting, feeling of unworthiness and self doubt because she never did attract these types of men into her life. The feelings would intensify around ovulation time.
Throughout life the type of male Molly attracted in romantically would never represent the tall handsome muscly man she had always craved. She stayed safe and always went for the “average” types, this was all she ever felt good enough for. In her world why would a handsome masculine man ever choose her, anyway? This presented as a major problem in all relationships. Resentments always built because these men were not what this secret part of her “really”wanted. She stayed in relationship out of fear and comfort. These gripping emotions sparked immense feelings of guilt. How could she do this to these men? She believed she was such a horrible person, that she was being deceitful, shallow and living a lie. She kept questioning herself, why do looks have to matter so much anyway? She was so confused.
During numerous sessions I encouraged Molly to talk about this part to enable it expression and uncover the mechanisms behind it. Through talking and expressing, overtime we began to release built up pressure, which then enabled deeper exploration behind the desire. I explained to Molly that these parts were not who she truly was, but just an archetype playing out from her deep sub-concious, and that she was giving in reasonably easily whenever it presented inside of herself and that this could be changed if we expose and challenge the belief systems of that archetype. They were so incongruent with the other, integrous parts that could really love a man from an unconditional space.
These explorations brought about the feeling of relief for Molly, accompanied by ever increasing control over the once uncontrollable thoughts and feeling. Molly even was able to see that this pattern had led to an addiction which was a profound discovery for Molly. An addiction to the attention of the good looking male. When things got boring, Molly craved a fix. When things got emotional, Molly craved a fix. If one of these “handsome” males paid attention to her, wanted her, showed any sign that he craved her back, momentarily it provided her with a feeling of self-worth and a “rush”. This satisfied the craving and it eased the pain. Behind all of this was also the discovery that Molly’s mother held similar beliefs about her self. Potentially Molly had been conditioned since childhood, mimicking that of her siblings behavior.
With a number of sessions we were now able to narrow down that these feelings and thoughts were not the real Molly, and instead, a conditioning to have cravings through a fantasy. Molly later said, “These realizations were a game changer and created a huge shift. However the addiction still had charge.”
Molly was single and had been exploring dating websites. In earlier sessions, I had suggested to Molly that she keep dating the “average” man, that didn’t meet the needs of the desire part within her. This has the potential to flush up the addiction & bring it into consciousness.
Determined to let go and kick her habit to the curb, Molly recently came for another therapy session. I asked Molly what was unfolding in her life, regarding romantic relationship. “I am freshly dating a male which certainly triggered that archetype. He had a lot going for him and is a guy with amazing qualities. He is compassionate, gentle, kind and loving. But he does not fit the stereotype that I was addicted to. I am afraid of the same pattern occurring where resentment will build and I am also afraid of feeling deceitful and false once again.”
But the sessions had given her a way through. Molly continued. “I remembered how you said to just be the witness of the addiction, to learn to see the craving for what they are and when they arise, just to focus on the enjoyment of being with this new man.”
Molly was onto it. Inner awareness and letting go are such important aspects of higher consciousness to learn and weave into our life.
Its been two months and they meet regularly and in contact almost every day. The old craving does not close down Molly and she is learning to enjoy being the center of attention from a male with higher consciousness than lust and desire.